My reason for writing this post and explaining how I feel about it is two-fold. I hope to better understand my own thoughts and also help someone else. Grief really is unpredictable, all consuming and hits at the most unlikely times.

I wanted this post to be the post that I looked for, but couldn’t find. I wanted this post to have the answers that I searched so desperately for and in honesty, am still searching for because no one seems to know the answer. I’m not even sure it exists.

Grief

By nature I’m a logical person. I see everything in black and white. It’s odd that I write and explore language because in my personal life I am logical. There is a right and a wrong. No grey areas. There is a logical reason for everything. Everything has answers and yet, I don’t have an answer for why my mum died. And I why I feel so utterly bereft without her. And how on Earth I am to deal with this.

So, as much as I wanted this post to be a ‘how to’ post, it’s  slowly dawning on me that it’s just not possible. Her loss will never leave me. She was the centre of my life. The person who gave me life and spoke to me every single one of the 12,107 days that I spent with her. Every single day of my life.

How do I forget that? I won’t. It sounds harsh to hear when in the midst of the most painful part of grief but it’s the truth and I can’t sugar coat it. Realising that I don’t have to forget her, that I can talk about her, think about her and miss her every day is helpful. Because I do. I don’t want to punish myself for not being ‘over it’ when I never will be. I don’t think I want to be over it.

And that’s hard. Because that’s the hard thing to get my head around. Things will never, ever be the same again. My life will never be the same again. I will never feel the same way about anything again and that is daunting. How do I manage to live another 50 years hopefully, knowing that nothing is going to be the same again?

Loss

Grief isn’t just about sadness and tears. For me the anger is so frustrating. It boils and I wish it wasn’t here. I want to feel a different way. But at times I can’t. I’m angry at the disease that ravaged her and made her look less like my mum. I’m angry at the medical staff who couldn’t save her no matter how hard they tried. I’ve given up hope that it will ever be cured so stay away from supporting cancer charities.

I can’t drive past the Chapel of Rest where I saw her lying so beautifully and peacefully without my inner pyromaniac surfacing. Red- hot rage at the fact that the last time that I saw her face was to do her makeup for her funeral. I want to burn that place down to the ground. But at the same time, glad it was me. I knew her best. It had to be me.

Grief

I’m angry with myself for not realising that incurable meant terminal until it was obvious. But most of all I’m angry that she isn’t here because I need her so much to tell me what to do. The only thing that is going to make my grief better, is her. And she isn’t here. She was so young. Too young.

And I feel too young to lose my mum. I know I’m not a child and even though my mum was my biggest protector as well as my harshest critic, I am grateful for every single one of those 12,107 days that I had with her. People I know and love had much fewer days with their equally amazing mothers. I am 33, I shouldn’t feel too young. But I can’t  feel guilty for how I feel. My grief and sense of loss is deep. I don’t think there is ever a ‘right’ age to lose someone you love.

I’m a mother and a grown woman but I still need my mum. Who do I turn to when karma inevitable kicks me in the arse and I’ve got a very challenging teenage daughter? (Hopefully not two!) I want to be able to tell her I’m sorry. That she was right. I’m scared that I won’t have the strength she did to deal with single parenting two teenage girls. I was planning on asking her what to do. I have to figure it out by myself now.

Loss

The other feeling consuming me right now is fear. I don’t fear death anymore. Seeing it so peacefully means I no longer fear it. I’m not sure what my beliefs are, but I hope I get to see her again. I have to believe that I will. It gives me hope.

My fear is dying young. That I’m going to die before my time. Before I’m ready. Before I’ve taught my daughters everything that they need to know and before I’ve reached all of my goals. That scares me right now and I don’t quite know how to manage that. But it’s only 82 days since she passed away. I have to learn that lesson. Alongside many others. I have to learn to cope without her. She’s never coming back – no matter how many times I try to tell myself she’s just too busy to reply.

People keep telling me what my mum would want. That she wants me to be happy. Of course she would. She loved me and my sister  more than almost anything and was an overprotective mother until her last breath, and I am eternally grateful for that. But I don’t need people to tell me. I know.

My current favourite picture of my mum.

 

The only people that my mum loved more than us, was her 5 grandchildren. She was the proudest grandma. And it’s those 5 children that are keeping me going. Helping me to keep her memory alive and her legacy is here to see. She would want her grandchildren to be happy and lead full lives.

It’s incredibly painful on the odd occasion that I pick up my phone to call her and remember that she’s gone. That sudden realisation stings like a bitch. But it’s getting less and less. The good memories are flooding back. The pre-cancer memories. The childhood memories and I’ve got 12,107 days worth of memories to keep me going for the rest of my days. I’m grateful for her love. I’m grateful to have known her and if I ever figure out how to deal with the grief; I’ll definitely write that post. I just don’t think I ever will.

 

Dealing with the loss of my mother

46 thoughts on “Dealing with the loss of my mum”

  1. Nay, your post has touched me in so many ways! My two sisters and I “lost” our mother to cancer 4 years ago, and even though some days I can fool myself that she’s still living and well across the Atlantic, just the thought that I can’t pick up the phone and ring her crushes my heart. ? Like you, I’m no longer afraid of dying, as I know that when my time comes, I’ll meet her. I hope you can find peace in your heart. When my mum died, a friend of mine, who’d lost hers when she was only 8 years old, told me that one day I would remember my mother as as wonderful trip: it ended, but I have amazing memories to keep.
    Take care,
    Dani x

  2. You are such a strong lady! Your words captivated me so much, I got very emotional remembering a recent lost. You’re writing with your heart and your soul, and that’s so beautiful. I really think you should be proud of yourself, you’re so brave!!! <3 stay strong

  3. Nay, I am so sorry for your loss. Know that you never, ever have to “get over” losing her, even if you could. I know she has a special place in your heart, and I know it is because she loved and cared for you like a good mother would. Thank you for being brave and strong enough to share this with us. You are an awesome writer and I bet, a great mother too!

  4. This is such a touching post. I read this with tears in my eyes and I am not a crier. Anyone can tell that you poured your heart out in this post and I thank you for this. Some words just need to be put out to the universe for others to learn from and I thank you for this.
    Prayers for you and your family.
    Jenn
    joyfuliowan.com

  5. This is such a beautiful post. I don’t think you can ever get over the death of someone so dear to you in a number of days, months or years. I don’t think every person is the same. And I also don’t think you have to. You don’t have to “get over it”, you just need to deal and grieve in your own way. I hope by writing this post it has helped you share some of the feelings and anger you might have and also help you move forward in trying to live your life without her by your side (but only in the physical sense) because I’m sure her spirit and love will always be with you. I do hope you find peace with her death soon. Best of luck and thank you for sharing such a beautiful and honest post.

    Amanda | http://ldnrose.com

  6. Thank you so much. I am trying to grieve in my own way and writing the post and reading the lovely comments has helped tremendously.

  7. This is such a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your experience, it requires a lot of courage. Losing a parent is always so hard coz you were used to have them in your life, go for them if you needed to and suddenly, you can’t do it anymore, it’s just emptiness and you’re on your own. I think this is one you truly become an adult coz you must be really grown up to handle all the pain. xx corinne

  8. Thank you for your lovely comment. I agree – I truly do feel like an adult now as I no longer have my mum to check everything with.

  9. What a beautiful post. I lost my mom when I was around 30 but her and I did not have the same relationship. I wish I could have had a mother like yours. You have inspired me to write a post about my mom, which I will probably do someday as well. I’m very sorry for your loss.

  10. I’m sorry about your loss and sorry to hear you didn’t have the relationship that you wanted. I would love to read your post when it’s done. Please send me a link.

  11. Your post touched my heart and made me realized that I am still mourning my mom! I lost her last December for cancer. I couldn’t believe she was gone just like that.

  12. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. For what it’s worth, I don’t think we ever stop mourning our loved ones.

  13. I can’t even begin to express how strong you must be in order to be able to talk about this. It’s not an easy thing. I know I haven’t lost my mom. But I watched my ex deal with the loss of her brother. The grief was overwhelming so much of the time. It’s difficult but I know you will find the strength every day to be there for your kids.

  14. Thank you so much. I’ve never considered myself to be strong, I’m just doing what my kids need me to do.

  15. This post really hit me. My mums been battling the big C for a long time now and even though she’s doing great right now, as much as it pains me to say, I don’t think we’ll have too much longer left. Any advice for a girl who is losing her mum?

  16. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. All I can say is spend as much time as you can with her. Talk, Share memories and make new ones. Let her know how much you love her. I wish I could say something to help you prepare but the truth is nothing I say will prepare you or make it easier.

  17. I cried reading this post because I cannot and do not wish to imagine why you must be going through and feeling. If I could I’d give you a hug for Loel 10 minutes straight. You’re so strong to write about your fears, emotions etc. During this time. This is the best thing I’ve ever read in my life and although I still have my mum, thank God – I know I’d feel exactly like this if she wasn’t here. Be encouraged and be strobe my sister x

  18. This post… breaks my heart. I could N E V E R in a million years imagine loosing my mother. My father was never in my life and my mother was my backbone. I would probably sink into depression. I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel. I would give you a hug if I could, but I cannot so a virtual hug will have to do. I’m very sorry for your loss. <3

  19. I have lost my mother too. It is never easy not having her around. I think we will never get over the fact that our mothers are gone. We’re always going to yearn for their presence.

  20. You made me remember the pain of losing a mother. I lost my mom from cancer when I was graduating in grade school. It was never easy because she loved me so much that I will always adore her even now that she’s in heaven. Stay strong. I know that your mom wants you to get through this and I know you can. you are a brave soul.

  21. I’m so sorry to remind you of the pain of losing your mum. I too adore my mum and don’t think I’ll ever stop.

  22. This is such an emotionally raw peace. My condolences to you and your family on the loss of your mom. Grief is such as difficult emotion/event to go through. The anger, sorrow and pain is indescribable. Your mom meant a lot to you so she cannot be forgotten. Although we learn to manage the pain of losing loved ones, the loss doesn’t get any easier because you just want them and that lingering pain never disappears. Keep your moms memories at the centre of your heart by sharing your found memories.

  23. Thank you for your condolences. I agree, I don’t think the loss does or ever will get any easier. I am slowly learning to manage it instead of just pretending she’s too busy too answer my calls. I’m getting there.

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