This quote is so important right now. It says so much. It’s also very true.
Two things you will never have to chase: True friends & true love. Mandy Hale
I’ve found that as I’ve got older, my responsibilities have increased. This has inevitably meant that my time for myself, let alone to spend the people that are important to me, has significantly reduced. This is especially compounded by the fact that I have little to no childcare options. The joys of single motherhood.
Needless to say, I find this difficult. As although I’d say that I’m quite a loving person, I have a small inner circle. So when I don’t have the time or money to see my friends and family as much as I’d like, because of the demands of being a working single mother with an enormous childcare bill, I feel guilty. I want to be there for my loved ones.
I’m quite an organised blogger, usually I plan my posts in advance. I even have a schedule. I haven’t planned this. It’s coming straight from my heart and my head. Who knows if that is a wise decision, but I can’t not think this. It has to be said. It has to be said to the intended recipient, so I am going to write directly to them.
This letter was written a while ago, but the sentiments and the sense of loss prevails. It’s hard. I hope the intended recipient understands why I’ve written this and why this is on my mind.
I care about you, but you know that, or at least I want you to know that the fact I care about you is why I’m writing. Things have changed in the way that we are with each other but I want you to know that I’ve always got your back. I’m never going to stop caring and taking an interest in what you do. For me, emotions do not just switch off like a light bulb. Maybe they do for some people, I’m just not built that way.
I want you to reach your full potential and achieve all of your dreams. All of them. Not just in your career, which understandably is a huge focus for you right now. Believe me when I say I beam with pride every time you tell me something amazing that you have been involved in. I’m so proud of you. You deserve your success.
I know I’ve joked with you about my plan for world domination, I think you’ll beat me to it. I hope you do, you deserve it. But also, please remember the personal dreams that you have. Particularly, the one that you told me that you didn’t think would ever happen for you, that you’ve closed yourself off to. It will happen, one day and it will be amazing for you. You just have to be open to it. You also have to work at it too. Be honest with yourself about what you want.
And this is where I think it’ll get harder to write to you. We’re friends, and for me that needs to involve two-way communication. That is currently lacking. I miss you. I miss that you used to ask me how I was. You really don’t seem to care at all now. Or at least that is what is being portrayed. I used to be able to pick up the phone and tell you what was on my mind, but I can’t do that anymore and it makes me wonder if we really are friends? Were we ever really friends?
I wouldn’t hesitate to contact any of my other friends. You? I really think about it and carefully consider any contact. You make me feel sometimes like I’m bugging you, like I’m an inconvenience. I don’t want to feel that way. Also, it feels really strange to not know what is going on in your life anymore. I really can’t understand how things have got to this stage to be honest. How has this happened? I’ve tried to ask. I’ve tried to find out. I don’t know anymore. I’m tired of trying to understand, and repeatedly hitting a brick wall.
Do you know what has hurt the most? Surprisingly, not the cancellations. As in all honesty, I think that was a wise decision despite the lack of respect for my time. What would we say to each other? We have so little in common now. It’s the fact that I’ve had a difficult time recently, I don’t doubt you have heard about it from mutual friends. But you’ve ignored me. You were the only friend that did. Everyone else checked to make sure I was okay. Not that it’ll ever be okay. Speaks volumes doesn’t it? Especially when written in black and white.
Thing is, I could completely understand it if you were having a challenging time too. You may well have been, to be honest. It’s just that, I’ll never actually know. And that’s sad.
So, going forward from this point, what am I trying to communicate? I essentially want you to know that I care about you. I want you to know that even though you will no longer hear from me, that I haven’t stopped rooting for you and hoping you are as fabulous as you should be. I want you to fall in love and be treated the way you deserve. Please don’t settle.
I want you to succeed in everything you do and I have the complete belief that you will do it. But I just can’t be around to see it. Because as much as I want you to be happy, I need a friend. A friend that I can talk to about my life and will share details of theirs. You can’t be that friend. I don’t think I’m being selfish to expect a friend to ask how I am or to have a reciprocal conversation.
I really feel like I do all the running and initiate all the communication, which let’s be honest never really gets beyond the superficial anymore. I think I deserve a proper friend. I’m not a bad person. I have to put myself first and trying to maintain a friendship with you is draining. It’s hard doing all the work. I need to be able to talk freely, so that I know that I’m not alone in my thoughts and experiences.
I need to, and want to, be able to listen to you. You never give me the opportunity anymore. I feel restricted when talking to you as given the nature of our friendship, some information from my life I don’t feel able to share with you right now because I no longer know where the line is. The line between confidant casual acquaintance seems to have been crossed.
I’m glad that for a long time, I had you in my life and we will obviously share some amazing memories. I just feel that now for me, the very definition of friendship means that it has to be a two-way street and looking at all the evidence, you just don’t want that. That’s fine, things change. Life changes.
It’s just that when friendships end, it’s difficult to know what to do or say as there is no protocol like there is for a divorce or a bereavement. I think it’d be so much easier if I knew what to do and say, if there were rules. You know how much I like structure. Fact is, we’ve drifted apart. That’s normal.
But I want you to know this, you never stopped crossing my mind from time to time, and you probably never will. I’ll always have your back, but I’m reading your signals loud and clear. I love you, you know that, but right now I love me more so I’m taking a massive step back.